9 days to exams and here I am ranting

For any of my friends reading this: don’t worry, I’ve been up for about 6 hours and I haven’t done any proper revision at all.

I’m honestly so angry right now and it’s a long story so all I have are bits of words floating in my head. The one word that jumps out most is GENDER INEQUALITY. This is going to make me sound so whiny, like why is everything about sexism? Haven’t we done this enough in all our Chinese A and English A classes? Well fucking yes but the only reason we do it so much is because it’s still relevant.

Let me just go all the way back to the first relevant point in this story. I used to go out a lot with friends before I started hardcore studying for IB, and back then I strangely only had a lot of male friends (not that I’m complaining, y’all were and still are so good to me, thanks for being my friends) and every time I told my parents who I’d be out with, my dad would always go, ‘One girl and one guy only? People are going to think you’re dating! You shouldn’t do that.

First of all: what the fuck? My first argument is that not everyone is straight, my second is that people of the opposite gender can just be friends. My third is that… what even makes you think I like boys?? (Sidenote: people like this with ideas like these is why I used to be, and still am, grossed out. It implies that anyone who gives you even a sliver of attention is only doing it because they want your body, and because they themselves aren’t enough to satisfy their own sexual needs, they want you? I mean, I get that this is a bit far-fetched and escalated and I have all the intermediate connections, but that’s a story for another day.)

But this was a year ago, so moving on.

I have two main issues right now:
1. my mom’s validation is, apparently, not valid enough
2. why!! the fuck!! is everything always!! about!!! MY STUDIES!!!

To the first point: my mom is so good to me and so chill and trusts that I’m growing up and responsible for myself. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s gotten into my dad’s head yet, that I’m 17 and off to university in about four months’ time.

My mom is generally fine with me doing whatever as long as I call back every now and then and update her. I honestly love her so much, she just said she’s good as long as I’m happy – I’m in literal tears right now. So anyway she’s totally fine with me going to Korea with my boyfriend (wow this sounds so sketchy but I swear it isn’t. In the past year I’ve done some pretty fucked up things where I wasn’t thinking straight so now I’m really certain I’m in a good relationship, he’s a really great guy and nothing about this is forced and everything is natural and it doesn’t leave me fucking drained like my other relationship – no shade, just the truth – so I trust him.) and both of us agreed we have no idea how to tell my dad.

So I told my dad today. More like I asked permission because I chickened out of straight up telling him, but this was after I booked the flights. Don’t give me shit for this, I booked my flight before telling him because I knew he’d say no. (I was sitting at the dinner table when he went ‘One guy and one girl? Impossible!’. No, seriously, we speak Cantonese at home but he just said ‘impossible’ in English. Anyway, if the situation wasn’t so dreadful and gloomy, I’d probably have started laughing because when am I ever wrong?) And I knew if he said no my mom would have nothing else to say, so if I didn’t book my flight, she wouldn’t even try to convince him.

Basically, I left the dinner table with:
– I’d be allowed to go if I went with a group of friends, or if my mom went with me
– one girl and one guy shouldn’t be allowed to travel together… or something

I understand that it’s a lot to take in – I have a boyfriend?? I’m going to Korea with him??? – but at this point in time, four months until I’m going to university, shouldn’t he at least let it go? In four months, he can’t even fucking control me. I could be skipping class every day and he wouldn’t know, and even if he did, he won’t be able to do shit about it. What, does he suddenly realise his life’s purpose is to stop me from living my own, to prevent me from making my own decisions?

Again, I understand that there are dangers in letting me travel with someone you literally had no idea existed until now, but is my judgement not good enough? And since apparently the only justification to someone’s morality and judgement is through how good their grades are, is my scholarship and all my awards not enough for you?

And to the second point: there’s a reason my dad’s only found out about my boyfriend now, a good almost eight months after we started dating. He once said I should focus on studies and not get into a relationship.

Ok, well fucking forgive me for being human and finding joy in things outside of my education. God forbid I be emotionally fulfilled by something that isn’t static text and numbers and my fucking grades.

At this point, I think I’ve covered everything I wanted to and, well, congrats for making it here. This was a mess of thoughts but pure, unfiltered feeling and I’m glad I had the chance to write it all out instead of sending it to my friends in chunks. I’m kind of neutralised right now but that’s because I’ve suddenly ascended to a level of where I don’t care. Not now, at least.

One minute after posting edit:
Right, I remembered how I’d sound like a whiny, entitled millennial but… this is something that’s actually concerning to me so yeah. Fuck it.

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