you pick your own fights/ undeniably asexual

i. fight
there are only so many things we can care about at once and so naturally, we’re more invested in some things than others. seeing the people around me so involved in their own things never made me feel left out or want to adopt a cause to fight for, but now I understand why some people are so much more invested in empowering movements than others – it’s not because it’s ‘a nice thing to do’ or ‘the right thing to do’; let’s be brutally honest and stop with the sugarcoating. it’s because they feel the effects of these issues more than other people do. and that’s why we fight to be heard.

ii. lost
my most recent epiphany and semi quarter-life/ midlife crisis had me venting feelings I didn’t know I had bottled up. realising that I experienced the world and everything remotely sexual was like realising people saw all the different shades of blue – cobalt and aquamarine and midnight – when I only saw the bland block of blue. I don’t use ‘hot’ to sexually attractive people. I didn’t realise people actually think about having sex with someone they find attractive. I don’t understand sexual attraction – is non-asexuality characterised by being turned on by everyone of the opposite gender, or being able to be turned on by the opposite gender? I feel so lost knowing that there’s a difference in how I experience relationships and how the rest of the population experiences them, yet at the same time understanding that both experiences are valid. so… what do I do now?

iii. alternatively
sometimes I wonder if I would have turned out differently had there not been so many stereotypes and so much stigma about sex. I grew up understanding sex is something which two people who are in love do, which I’m pretty sure lead to my thinking that relationships have to go from platonic to romantic to sexual. (and so where do friends with benefits come in? is sex just some act you’d do with people you trust? is that it?) I grew up learning about sex, sexual desire and sexual attraction by myself because no one talks about sex openly, because sex is something that’s only legal for adults, because sex is dirty, because sex education only covers the act itself and not anything else associated with it.

iv. stigma
disclaimer – I have no interest in actually having sex, I’m only interested in understanding everything besides the actual act. sometimes I feel (albeit unjust) indignant that most of the population has sexual attraction come to them naturally, that they don’t have to spend time understanding all of this, that the only problem they face is not knowing who they are attracted to, not whether or not they are attracted. sometimes I feel surprised that people are thinking about sex when the thought doesn’t even register in my head (another perk of being ace). sometimes I feel desensitised and tired at everything in popular culture revolving around sex, from the articles to the advice columns about it, to the sexual innuendos everywhere, to songs about it. why is sex so important?? I really, truly don’t understand it.


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