i once said i built my home out of fragments of my friends (not literally, of course). it’s not all that bad, but it’s come to the point where i define myself by who i hang around, who i talk to, who i go out with, so on an so forth. so when i start to lose someone, i have no idea who i am anymore. i’m suddenly thrown under the bus, desperately trying to find myself again. but i guess today is the day i realise people change – I change – so there’s no point in having a factual file on who you are – what you like/ dislike, what’s your personality, what’s most important to you – because they gradually change anyway.
i’ve been reading this book (originally japanese, translated to chinese 《从谎言开始的旅程》if anyone’s interested) which had a section going over how people tend to go out of their way to make others happy, because that creates happiness for them as well, and i couldn’t agree more. at the same time, yeah, don’t live to please others. there’s a difference between pleasing people and making them happy. personally, i think that to creating and sharing happiness is the closest answer we’ll ever get to “what is the meaning of life?”
i was thinking – does my asexuality stem from a reluctance/ refusal to grow up? anything sexual feels so grown up and foreign; being in a swimsuit or a low cut dress makes me my insides churn in slight disgust. don’t take this ramble too seriously; i know sexuality isn’t a choice, the heart wants what it wants (or doesn’t want, in my case), but could these things be related…? i’m not the kind of ace to be sex repulsed, but does my discomfort come from the fact i’m ace…? who knows. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯